The Full List of Words I Can Never Say in Public

After that sausage fiasco at church breakfast Gary laughed so hard he missed our exit. Here's the full list of words I can never say in public.

• Wiener. I asked the butcher for a good wiener for our grill. Gary choked on his sample. The man winked the whole time.
• Balls. Told my sister my yarn balls rolled under the pew. Three church ladies clutched their pearls. One started praying.
• Melons. At the restaurant salad bar I said these melons look perfect. The produce man dropped his whole tray behind me.
• Nuts. Offered my special mixed nuts for Gary's poker night. The whole table lost it for five full minutes.
• Cucumber. Requested a nice cucumber at the produce stand. A deacon nearby turned red and pretended to read labels.
• Screw. Mentioned I needed a screw for my birdhouse project. Two deacons coughed into their sleeves at once.
• Creamy. Praised the creamy texture of Linda's famous dip at potluck. Her husband spilled coffee down his tie.
• Buns. Asked who brought the fresh buns to the church breakfast. Three deacons cried into their pancakes again.

What did you think I meant? Shame on you.

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